Mrtzcmp3
  • Being Single Again
  • Intro / Dead People
  • Hot Girls In Bars And Their Dude Counterparts
  • Dumb Thoughts
  • Cell Phones And Flying
  • Currency
  • Other People's Kids
  • My 7-Year-Old Is Better Than Me
  • My 3-Year-Old Is A 3-Year-Old
  • Taking Sexual Inventory
  • I Enjoy Being White
  • Processing Shame
  • I Hate Deer
  • My Horrible Body
  • Offensive Words
  • Half Dead
  • The Diaper
  • Milk & Pets
  • Jizz on Demand
  • Cinabon
  • Boys Vs. Girls
  • A Three Year Old's Secret
  • Daddy I Don't Like Chicken
  • The Way We Talk (Hilarious)
  • 39702
  • Girls & Women
  • The Way We Talk
  • Intro
  • Do You Have the Time
  • French Guy
  • Shopping With No Money
  • Peach
  • Guy On Bike, Guitar, Liar
  • Wal-Mart
  • Arguing
  • Shitty Kids
  • Christmas Caroling
  • Kid's Names
  • 4AM - Bonus Track
  • Guy In Traffic
  • Bill Gates
  • Sweatpants & Vodka - Bonus Track
  • I Like Opium - Bonus Track
  • Cliches, Old Sayings
  • Diner Ordering
  • Impressions
  • Happy and in Pain
  • 4AM (Bonus Track)
  • The Bank
  • Wrong Number, AT&T

I don't know how to start shows.
It's just a problem that I have...
I never...
I never figured out how to come out and just start talking
because the first thing you say on stage always feels stupid,
because there's no REAL reason for me to talk to you.
It just doesn't exist.
I don't know you, you don't know --
You don't even know each other, you're facing the same direction, that's all you have in common...
So I just have to -- (vomit noise)
It's like talking to a girl at a bar because you're attracted to her
the first thing you say is just gonna be dog shit coming out of your mouth.
Because you don't know her! The only honest thing you could say to her is "I wanna fuck your face." That's the only thing you could say
that you could mean!
Anything else you say is you trying really hard not to say "I wanna fuck your face." That's the only thing you're...
(mumbling) Ehh, I wanna... put my penis in the lowest hole in your head.
I was never good at that, like I was very bad at being single, which is a problem because I'm divorced, so I'm single again... After ten years of marriage...
(crowd awwing) No, here --
Cut the shit!
Don't even start with that noise, like a puppy died!
Lemme tell you something...
Lemme tell you something.
And this is important, because someday one of your friends is gonna get divorced, it's gonna happen. And they're gonna tell you.
Don't go "Aw, I'm sorry." That's a stupid thing to say! It really is!
First of all, you're making them feel bad for being REALLY happy, which isn't fair.
...

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